Nettstedet Mad in America inviterte inntil 100 bidragsytere til å delta med bilde og tekst «Creativity and COVID: Art-Making During the Pandemic» og jeg fikk med et maleri og tekst, som jeg deler her.
Det ligger ikke foto fra maleriet, men kanskje kommer det på en egen side. Teksten er å finne på denne siden på Mad in Americas nettsted, sammen med tekster fra andre kunstnere. Her er onlineutstillingen: https://www.madinamerica.com/creativity-covid-art-making-pandemic/
Her er hva jeg skrev:
Norwegian, Female, born in 1955 Mental distress is something I have experienced almost all my life, it’s something I have understood many years after the mental health system diagnosed me with psychosis i 1992, which really changed my life. I’ve had a long way to walk, but I’ve learned how to cope with what I’ve learned is Traumatic stress reactions. Now I’m working at the recovery based hospital: Hurdalsjøen Recoverysenter (Norway), from where Robert Whitaker published a MIA-report in 2019: https://www.madinamerica.com/2019/12/medication-free-treatment-norway-private-hospital/
My artworks has exploded into writing poems and short texts, and in creating paintings since march 2020. I wrote a lot before that too, but that was longer and less poetic texts. That’s my way to cope with the kind of distance I experience. I live alone, and in lack of someone to share my thoughts about my inner life, I do express myself by writing and painting. It’s now more than 40 paintings. I also started a new blog about my inner dialogues. During this time I have got to know my needs from a new perspective because of the change of interactions with friends and family. One of the most typical PTSD-reactions I live with is the need to be alone, to escape from everyone, has really been fulfilled this year. Into such a way which has given me an opening to work with that specific part of me who has the need to escape from people. i guess I have been able to learn that actually I need other people more than I have been able to recognize earlier. In Norway we have a saying:
“It’s never so bad that’s nothing good will come out”. And to me this pandemic-situation has given me a new possibility to get to now my self better and specially to understand more of the more or less hidden parts I carry with me.
The shadows follow you whether you are aware of them or not, and in them there are also hidden treasures. Most of what I write is in Norwegian, but in November 2020 I wrote a blog in English: Who am I in a traumatised society https://stemorsblomsten.wordpress.com/2020/11/08/who-am-i-in-a-traumatised-society/
About this Work:
“One meter” It is mixed tecniques. At that moment when I published a photo of the painting on Facebook I had no title. One of my friends gave med immediate respons: “One meter”, and yes… what else could it be 😀 Well, I also call it “The fences between us”.
One morning I woke up with a sence in my stomach, which I suddenly got able to describe as a big, big hole in my stomach, a feeling of having a emptiness, which I also really could feel as a big hole in my chest.
I could not cry, but I could no longer push away the feeling of emptiness. And I guess it is the combination of painting and writing which helps med to put words on my emotions. On what the “no touching” means to me.
It is the “being alone feeling”, of being lost in a way, if I don’t do something. And I’m addicted to the “to do something”. It is the moments when I wake up before I do something, I might meet myself and my needs. Well there might be a way to meet the needs I have, but I have no idea, how to fulfill that part. Actually to paint and to write is my way to escape the mental and the strange sence of actual physical emptiness. And I do that most of my freetime, in addition to tell lies to myself that I’m doing just fine all by myself. I wonder if I would have admitted to myself, if Covid not had changed the way I see my life so radically?
Fra Mad in America:
Og, ja, for de som leter skrivefeil og feil bruk av engelske uttrykk, så finnes det helt klart bedre måter å skrive på. Teksten ble skrevet i full fart, og er også en «øvelse» for min egen del for å unngå å forsvinne i den perfeksjonistiske delen av meg. Her var det den kreative delen som fikk utfolde seg 😉 Det gjelder å velge hvilken del av meg som skal få dominere… og oftere og oftere slipper jeg til den kreative delen i meg.
Siv Helen Rydheim, 21. mars 2021